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July 8, 2011 by Jo

Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

Let’s harken back for a moment, shall we? To post numero uno in this series. Most of the moments I have to forgive myself for have to do with my temper. So let’s remember that there are lots and LOTS of instances where my temper has bested me, and I owe myself an apology and subsequent forgiveness for those times.

But there is one thing that I’m still pretty angry at myself over, and is a mistake I won’t make again. And it has nothing to do with my temper.

When I found out I was pregnant in February of 2009 I was beside myself with joy. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and Jeff and I had decided not to prevent having a baby. I come from a long line of fertile Myrtles, so naturally we married in November and found out we were expecting 3 months later.

And yet, despite KNOWING that I really wanted prenatal care from a midwife and KNOWING that the hospital wasn’t the place for me (I have some pretty terrible anxiety in a medical environment, and anxiety + needing to relax so you can PUSH A BABY OUT are not a good combo), I still subjected myself to 5 months of sub-par care from an OB. And I haven’t forgiven myself for it yet.

Here’s the thing; I knew I wasn’t doing what was best for me. I told Jeff that repeatedly and he encouraged me over and over to explore the midwife option. He read books with me, watched videos, listened to stories of my MANY friends who’d gone that route. But I just didn’t have the guts to make the leap.

I was afraid what the change would mean, of some really stupid things. What are people going to say about me? About us? Will the doctor be upset? What if the midwife laughs at me for coming to her so late in my pregnancy?

Then there were the things that weren’t so stupid…how much will it cost, since we’d have to pay out-of-pocket? What house will we use? What’s our back-up plan?

Anyway, we took the plunge and I’m so glad we did. I immediately felt better and more in control of the entire experience. But I still regret those  months where I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away and find the care I deserved.

This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Blog Challenge. You can find the list here.

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