The One Where There Are No Words.

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August 17, 2009 by Jo

This morning I woke up to the feeling of swift kicks inside my tummy.

“Eleven and a half more weeks…” I told myself as I pulled up from the bed. The house was so quiet, with Jeff out of town and the kids with their mom like they are every Monday morning.

I poured my customary bowl of cereal to get something in my stomach quick before the nausea hit. The shower on, some music, the fan to keep the steam from collecting on the mirror; just getting ready, my normal morning routine, with not too many additional thoughts to the baby growing in me besides my hand subconciously cradling my stomach.

Work begins with most of our staff bustling out the door to a media conference in the blazing sun, then rushing back for an internal meeting to prepare for the external ones of the day.

At 11:30 I leave to get lunch from one of our favorite places, Clementine’s, for the attendees of the noon meeting. I come back in at five til, with food in hand and my belly growling, the baby kicking and rolling from the hunger. My partner, my boss, and the two volunteers (two of my favorite ladies) we’re meeting with are ready to eat.

We get into our agenda, moving through, eating, making jokes, brainstorming, and one of the ladies steps out to take a phone call. There’s a pause as we shove in some food, waiting for her return before moving on. One or two things that don’t concern her part of the event are covered, and then she walks back in.

There are giant tears rolling down her face. She’s clutching a tissue. Now, I know this woman well and she is definitely a sympathetic crier (like me) but this was different.

“Oh no, what’s the matter?” the other volunteer asked.

“That was _______ . We lost our baby.” she responded with a sob.

We surrounded her with hugs and tears and no words. There weren’t any. Here sat this beautiful, sweet woman expecting news of her second grandchild (hopefully a girl), and the doctor says it’s a miscarriage, and she’s devastated, of course, as anyone would be.

The meeting came to an abrupt end then, with well-wishes, more embraces, more tears as she left.

As I sat at my desk just moments later, feeling our baby kick and move (it’s active right after I eat), I was suddenly hit with all sorts of emotions, but the biggest was thanks. We are so blessed by this pregnancy; for it to come at this time in the year is a blessing. For us to be so ready, financially, is a blessing. The understanding at work is a blessing. The love and support we’ve received…blessings. I am so thankful for not just the baby we’re having but the good things I’m able to recognize coming out of this pregnancy.

At my desk, in that moment, I realized that while I’m so busy giving life to something else, I’m gaining so much as well. I am so sad for my friend’s family and this loss, but they are faithful people just like me who realize that there are much better plans written for them.

And just knowing that I’m not in control and that there is something good in everything? The biggest blessing of them all.

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
– “Hymn” by Jars of Clay


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